44 - A number that always had a cloud hanging over it when I was child. 44 - A number I started to fear after 1994. 44 - A number that no longer has a stronghold on me. 44 - A number that I will embrace this year. 44 - A number I will surpass....
Not much was discussed about my Grandma June...at least not by my father. I knew that my grandmother had been murdered, I knew that she was a woman before her time, I knew my father didn't want to discuss what happened to her and I knew I wanted more of the story. That more didn't come until I started visiting my dad's sister in North Carolina every summer when I was 12 or 13. My aunt talked about her mother very fondly and piece by piece I was putting connections together of my heritage that hadn't been shared with me before. She like to dance, she was a remarkable seamstress, she wore jeans & sweatshirts in an era that only dresses were worn by women, she divorced my grandfather, she packed up all of her belongings into a van and headed out west...she lived with my aunt and uncle in the state of Washington.....the state of Washington is where my grandmother died....she was only 44.
Growing up, I always wondered how my father dealt with losing his mother when he was only 22. I wondered what that must have been like for him...my heart hurt for him then and it still does now. I felt like he had been robbed, like she had been robbed and in that I had been robbed too.
Fast forward to May 1994. I was 23, recently had moved to Chicago with my boyfriend/fiancée. This was a huge leap for me...my first time away from my hometown...no friends or family nearby...a whole new world. That world crashed fast and hard. Within the first month of relocating my grandfather passed away...within two months of that my fiancées grandfather passed away.....the night of his grandfather's funeral I received a call from my dad...my mother was in ICU and they weren't sure if she would make it through the night....I remember sobbing as we drove to the hospital, we were in Michigan but still 2+ hours away from where we needed to be. I started praying...asking God to let me know what was going to happen because I couldn't bear the fear that I was facing...in that moment there was a sense of peace that washed over me... I could feel God's presence there with me..calming my heart and instantly my tears stopped falling. I just knew she was going to make it through this...she had before...she was a fighter...God had this...
Thanksgiving weekend.... home for the holiday and a court trial for a car accident I had been in a few years prior. Sunday night..visiting with friends...my dad wanted me home early...he thought I needed to be there for mom...I remember coming in and checking on her..she was sleeping....I noticed her lidded mug had slipped off the bedside tray, so I put it back....she didn't wake up when I was in her room...so unlike her....I remember feeling that something wasn't quite right but I figured I was just being paranoid...so I went to bed. The next thing I hear is my father repeating my mom's name, over and over....what happened after that I can't remember....but I do remember seeing the ambulance in the driveway...I remember seeing the stretcher....the rest is nonexistent to me...
Here we were again, ICU...the prognosis is not looking well...they are very unsure if she's going to make it...but we've been down this road 3 times before and she's beat it every time before....so she'll win again....right? I remember not wanting to be there....I remember the lights glowing over her hospital bed casting an eerie shadow in her room. I remember her being unresponsive for days....I remember her waking up...talking to me plain as day...then her slipping back to sleep..I remember stopping in the hospital chapel to pray that night....I wanted an answer...no I NEEDED an answer from God. Was she going to make it through? If yes, then okay...fine....but if no...then please don't make her suffer anymore...she's endured so much, for so long....it's just not fair to her....it wasn't fair to any of us. The chapel door was closed and I was the only one in there and I was at the pulpit on my knees crying out to God....then out of no where a cold breeze blew around me...the windows were closed...the furnace wasn't running...but chills started taking over my body....I knew it...in that very moment God had spoken to me.....she wasn't going to make it. My friend was waiting for me in the car and I was sobbing uncontrollably as I told her what had happened....it seemed surreal.
The next morning, my father woke me up saying he had called the hospital and she was doing much better...so I thought to myself....hmmm.....I guess I read that sign all wrong.....so I cocooned back into my bed for a few more hours of sleep....I recall the phone ringing...my dad came to tell me we had to get to the hospital NOW....that we didn't have much time...I remember riding in my father's grey Cougar....it was dreary out, cold, and a mixture of snow/rain was falling....I remember going under the overpass before coming up to Laketon Avenue...I remember feeling numb...
I walked into her room....my extended family was there....lined up against the wall like someone had pinned them there...I thought to myself...what the hell? Why aren't you by her....holding her hand...comforting her...ANYTHING except for staring at her! I remember going to her beside...gently caressing her hair and holding her hand....I spoke softly to her....I said.. "it's okay mom, you can let go now...you can go home. You've suffered long enough...go be with God...where you belong. Don't worry about me or dad...we'll be okay...I promise." I remember seeing her heart rate slowly going down point by point...until the nurse turned off the monitor so we wouldn't see it any longer....within 30 seconds of telling my mother those words...she passed away...she was 44.
Here was that number again....44. Thoughts would enter my mind such as...dad lost his mom at 44, his wife at 44....you better watch out when you turn 44. That number has haunted me for over 20 years...always in the back of mind...always reminding me of my looming destiny....
So here it is....2015....the year in which I turn 44. I've made a decision....I've partnered with God and He is ALWAYS faithful...44 will NOT be the end for me...it will be an awakening! 44 is going to be a NEW BEGINNING.... all things new, breaking ties that bind, a season of rejoicing, thankfulness, joy, peace, and unlimited blessings! It will be a time of anticipation for the greatness and goodness of God to fully envelop every facet of my life.
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