KENYA

I felt this 2 1/2 years ago...a calling to go but I wasn't sure if that "call" was from You or from my own selfish desires...there was a link but I didn't want to go because of that...

Another season less than a year ago I felt a prompting...but knew it wasn't the right time or destination. 

Here I am...I heard you call me again...this time it's the right place and the right time. I've received a few subtle confirmations...but nothing overwhelmingly concrete. I want to go...the reason is to serve You, to glorify You, to share the love You've bestowed upon me. There is no selfish motive...no link to anyone. A chance to freely be ME...who You've created ME to be. I'm expectantly waiting for Your final confirmation...the phone call or email that says I've been chosen to GO. 

I'm ready and I'm waiting...

You Are Never Alone

Learning to do single parenthood isn't an easy road. Sometimes it can leave you feeling like the "Dolly for Sue" on the "Island of Misfit Toys".  There I sat again by myself really not knowing anyone but my ex, his wife and my previous in laws. Feeling very alone and very out of place....a definite fish out of the water. 

In this state of extreme discomfort my mind wanted to run it's course of the countless fears I was experiencing in that moment but then it happened...the runaway train I had boarded was halted in it's tracks. I heard Him whisper to me...you are never alone...I am always here with you but there are times you forget and let the father of lies come and sit with you instead of Me. In an instant my focus was completely changed. I needed to have my eyes opened and realize He was there, right beside me all along. I made it through the concert and was able to walk through the sea of strangers with confidence knowing my Father never left my side. He empowered me with His grace and love to conquer my fears. 

There are obstacles you will learn to overcome as time goes by. Some are easier than others to embrace. Just remember this...you are never alone, for He is always with you. 

My Daughter's Heart

I read the attached article the other night and I couldn't help but to cry out to Jesus....not on my behalf but for my precious daughters. It's not that they don't have an earthly daddy who loves them but I do know that he doesn't show them a love like this.

http://www.becomegoodsoil.com/the-question-every-daughter-is-asking/

Over the past several years I've learned about a Father that loves me, adores me & wants to be everything for me. This is the Father I want my girls to know. No judgement, no condemnation, always loving them no matter what the circumstances ....fully & completely. 

It's my call as mother and as a child of God to invite them to know Him...to go to Him and ask Him to reveal Himself to each of their hearts.

I pray that God would bless their hearts with an example of a father like that here on earth...one that sees the beauty within them, one who could come alongside them and inspire, encourage, love them for who they are...for the girl God created them to be...

My youngest daughter drew this picture just the other day...the flowers represent each one of us...the one on the end is very special...the one where there is a name yet to be known...that special flower...that special place...is reserved for the man God will bless her life with as her stepfather...she's revealing her desires for her heart and our lives...

 

Am I Ready?

Am I ready to be known...fully known.  Am I ready to be loved?  Am I ready to love? Am I the becoming the person I would want to be with?

These are the questions that keep playing over and over in my heart and soul...

The more I learn how God calls us to love one another, the more I question myself on if am I able to love the way God calls us to love one another. A sacrificial love, a dying to oneself for the sake another.  Is my heart filled enough of God's love to dispense His love fully to someone else? 

I'm not looking for society's definition of what love is....that is a superficial and self serving love. Too much emphasis is placed on beauty, materialism and status....what about our hearts, our character, our eternal destiny?  I want more, we were created for more....

Intimacy...and no I'm not talking about sex....I am talking about emotional and spiritual oneness.  To build a foundation of mutual trust and respect.  Going deeper...beyond the surface of what is portrayed...sharing dreams, fears, past hurts, successes....sharing the intimate details of what has sculpted and shaped us into who we are today.  

Be {you} tiful

Just be you...

It's something we bring up during our women's Bible study every time we meet...

The you God created you to be. We were all made different for a reason...there is freedom in being authentically you....for only you can fufill the role you were created for...

Don't let the world define you...be yourself...

Be {you} tiful ~

Sheilding Me From Evil

Originally written 02/22/2015 ~

There is a part of me that is dreading tomorrow...because it's another day that will be filled with drama that I do not want to partake in....but tomorrow is different because it's not about me, it's about my girls.  I really don't care for confrontation....I have truly experienced way too much of it...in a bad way and honestly I've learned there are better ways to handle things than arguing/fighting.  Unfortunately, we can't avoid it all the time and especially not when the stakes are high. You can do whatever against me....I can deal with that but when I am called to protect the hearts of my babies...that's a different story.

Fear has consumed every fiber of my being thinking about having to confront/rise up against "Jezebel" (not her real name, but definitely the spirit that rules her soul) because evil controls her tongue...I've been warned...I've seen it...  I knew this wasn't something I could fight on my own nor should I even be trying to fight it on my own...but who was going to be there by my side...who had my back? 

Well, that answer was laid before me through my church....our final "All Church" study. Our first section was entirely on the book Psalm's....coincidence....I think not...my Father had come to show me who would be standing by my side....

Page after page, chapter after chapter, His written reassurance was there right in front of me.  My heart could rest in Him for:

"The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me? The Lord is with me; he is my helper.  I look in triumph on my enemies.  It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humans."  ~ Psalms 118:6-8

When I stand tomorrow, I will not stand alone.

 

White Picket Fence

Originally written Summer 2015

I was once told by a respected therapist to face reality and give up my white picket fence dreams. I wasn't actually seeking a husband, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence to keep it all together. I had a husband, a beautiful baby girl & a great job. But it was by far what I had always dreamed of and longed for....and who was she to tell me to give up on something I had waited 30 years to see to come to fruition. I wasn't expecting perfect...I knew better than that...but I didn't expect the loneliness, isolation, fear, constant disappointment  and shear exhaustion that came along with what I thought was my dream.