My Heart

Above all else, guard your heart,for everything you do flows from it. ~ Proverbs 4:23

Guarding my heart has not been my strong suit....I'm a honest person, so I take people for their word...period. I sometimes play like things don't bother me or I don't care...when deep down I really do. If I'm tough on the outside they won't know how I'm really feeling in the inside. 

So giving my heart to God is the only way to guard my heart. To protect my heart I have to be obedient and submissive to The Lord's voice and will. I need to stop...to be still and let him lead the way...

Here and now, I lay my life and my heart before You. Please give me the discernment to know when it is safe for me to let someone into my heart. Please make my heart ready to accept and love who You place in my heart. Only allow someone who lives for and loves You with all that he has and all that he is to enter into my heart. I trust in you O'Lord with my life, my heart, my everything. Let the words that come from my mouth bless and not curse. Let the thoughts in my mind be pure. Let the desires of my heart be the desires You have given me. Let me rest in Your peace with my head on your chest knowing you love me enough to protect me all the days of my life. 

Be Not of This World

After a twenty minute discussion with my ex about what is appropriate or not for our daughter to wear to school my eyes were opened even wider to the issue of the world fighting against who we were created to be. Ugh!!

The "inappropriateness" of this outfit was nothing more than "that girl made fun of her" and "I don't want her getting labeled". Well, hello world!  We all get labels from others!!  The key is not to let those labels stick!  We are not who the world tells us we are...we are who God created us to be and walking in that truth is one the greatest weapons you have against the enemy. See, God saw who you were even before you were conceived here on earth. He has a plan for your life that is far greater than you can even begin to imagine. He knitted you in your mothers womb. You are not a mistake...you are fearfully and wonderfully made by God Himself. 

Don't let others decide on who you are...that isn't their decision to make. 

Don't fear what others may think or say about who you are....ask yourself who does God say that I am??  

Walk in the joy of knowing that you have a Heavenly Father who loves you exactly for who you are right now!!  Once you have that truth in your heart and you know who you belong to and it only matters what He says of you, will you find the freedom of being who you were created to be!

Behind The Scenes

The enemy plots to ruin us in ways that are unknown to us...throughout our life he plants little seeds that he hopes to water here and there with drops of doubt, fear, hurt, pain until those very seeds have overgrown into vines so intertwined into our being that there is no way to be set free from them. These vines hold us captive from reaching for and accomplishing our original destiny. What the enemy doesn't realize is that we have a Father who pursues us and wants us to fulfill that destiny he has planned for us.   Our Father is relentless in his pursuit of our hearts.  He keeps tugging at us in ways He knows will get our attention.  If He has to remove all other things (idols) in your life to reveal Himself to you, He will.  The question is, will we hear and answer His call?

If you choose to answer His call, He will take you on a life long journey to remove the root to those vines, so you can be set free. Only in His freedom can you find rest.  The freedom that gives you peace, the freedom that gives you courage, the freedom that brings you joy, the freedom that gives you new life.  There is no cost for this freedom, He has already paid for it in advance.

A vine was revealed to me earlier this week, I wasn't searching for it but my Father knew it had to be seen and cut away before I could attain the next step in my journey with Him.  Here's to letting go and letting the healing begin....it all happens behind the scenes...

Hallmark Channel ~ Happily Ever After

Originally written late Spring 2015

Maybe it's the hopeless romantic inside of me...

Maybe it's a desire my heart was given when I was a young girl...

Maybe it's something every girl dreams of...

Everlasting...never-failing...happily ever after...

Does the this type of love exist beyond Hallmark Romance movies?

Or is it only a fairy tale?

Growing old together...leaning on one another through the years...to be known, loved & accepted just the way you are...

KENYA

I felt this 2 1/2 years ago...a calling to go but I wasn't sure if that "call" was from You or from my own selfish desires...there was a link but I didn't want to go because of that...

Another season less than a year ago I felt a prompting...but knew it wasn't the right time or destination. 

Here I am...I heard you call me again...this time it's the right place and the right time. I've received a few subtle confirmations...but nothing overwhelmingly concrete. I want to go...the reason is to serve You, to glorify You, to share the love You've bestowed upon me. There is no selfish motive...no link to anyone. A chance to freely be ME...who You've created ME to be. I'm expectantly waiting for Your final confirmation...the phone call or email that says I've been chosen to GO. 

I'm ready and I'm waiting...

You Are Never Alone

Learning to do single parenthood isn't an easy road. Sometimes it can leave you feeling like the "Dolly for Sue" on the "Island of Misfit Toys".  There I sat again by myself really not knowing anyone but my ex, his wife and my previous in laws. Feeling very alone and very out of place....a definite fish out of the water. 

In this state of extreme discomfort my mind wanted to run it's course of the countless fears I was experiencing in that moment but then it happened...the runaway train I had boarded was halted in it's tracks. I heard Him whisper to me...you are never alone...I am always here with you but there are times you forget and let the father of lies come and sit with you instead of Me. In an instant my focus was completely changed. I needed to have my eyes opened and realize He was there, right beside me all along. I made it through the concert and was able to walk through the sea of strangers with confidence knowing my Father never left my side. He empowered me with His grace and love to conquer my fears. 

There are obstacles you will learn to overcome as time goes by. Some are easier than others to embrace. Just remember this...you are never alone, for He is always with you. 

My Daughter's Heart

I read the attached article the other night and I couldn't help but to cry out to Jesus....not on my behalf but for my precious daughters. It's not that they don't have an earthly daddy who loves them but I do know that he doesn't show them a love like this.

http://www.becomegoodsoil.com/the-question-every-daughter-is-asking/

Over the past several years I've learned about a Father that loves me, adores me & wants to be everything for me. This is the Father I want my girls to know. No judgement, no condemnation, always loving them no matter what the circumstances ....fully & completely. 

It's my call as mother and as a child of God to invite them to know Him...to go to Him and ask Him to reveal Himself to each of their hearts.

I pray that God would bless their hearts with an example of a father like that here on earth...one that sees the beauty within them, one who could come alongside them and inspire, encourage, love them for who they are...for the girl God created them to be...

My youngest daughter drew this picture just the other day...the flowers represent each one of us...the one on the end is very special...the one where there is a name yet to be known...that special flower...that special place...is reserved for the man God will bless her life with as her stepfather...she's revealing her desires for her heart and our lives...

 

Am I Ready?

Am I ready to be known...fully known.  Am I ready to be loved?  Am I ready to love? Am I the becoming the person I would want to be with?

These are the questions that keep playing over and over in my heart and soul...

The more I learn how God calls us to love one another, the more I question myself on if am I able to love the way God calls us to love one another. A sacrificial love, a dying to oneself for the sake another.  Is my heart filled enough of God's love to dispense His love fully to someone else? 

I'm not looking for society's definition of what love is....that is a superficial and self serving love. Too much emphasis is placed on beauty, materialism and status....what about our hearts, our character, our eternal destiny?  I want more, we were created for more....

Intimacy...and no I'm not talking about sex....I am talking about emotional and spiritual oneness.  To build a foundation of mutual trust and respect.  Going deeper...beyond the surface of what is portrayed...sharing dreams, fears, past hurts, successes....sharing the intimate details of what has sculpted and shaped us into who we are today.  

Be {you} tiful

Just be you...

It's something we bring up during our women's Bible study every time we meet...

The you God created you to be. We were all made different for a reason...there is freedom in being authentically you....for only you can fufill the role you were created for...

Don't let the world define you...be yourself...

Be {you} tiful ~

Sheilding Me From Evil

Originally written 02/22/2015 ~

There is a part of me that is dreading tomorrow...because it's another day that will be filled with drama that I do not want to partake in....but tomorrow is different because it's not about me, it's about my girls.  I really don't care for confrontation....I have truly experienced way too much of it...in a bad way and honestly I've learned there are better ways to handle things than arguing/fighting.  Unfortunately, we can't avoid it all the time and especially not when the stakes are high. You can do whatever against me....I can deal with that but when I am called to protect the hearts of my babies...that's a different story.

Fear has consumed every fiber of my being thinking about having to confront/rise up against "Jezebel" (not her real name, but definitely the spirit that rules her soul) because evil controls her tongue...I've been warned...I've seen it...  I knew this wasn't something I could fight on my own nor should I even be trying to fight it on my own...but who was going to be there by my side...who had my back? 

Well, that answer was laid before me through my church....our final "All Church" study. Our first section was entirely on the book Psalm's....coincidence....I think not...my Father had come to show me who would be standing by my side....

Page after page, chapter after chapter, His written reassurance was there right in front of me.  My heart could rest in Him for:

"The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me? The Lord is with me; he is my helper.  I look in triumph on my enemies.  It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humans."  ~ Psalms 118:6-8

When I stand tomorrow, I will not stand alone.

 

White Picket Fence

Originally written Summer 2015

I was once told by a respected therapist to face reality and give up my white picket fence dreams. I wasn't actually seeking a husband, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence to keep it all together. I had a husband, a beautiful baby girl & a great job. But it was by far what I had always dreamed of and longed for....and who was she to tell me to give up on something I had waited 30 years to see to come to fruition. I wasn't expecting perfect...I knew better than that...but I didn't expect the loneliness, isolation, fear, constant disappointment  and shear exhaustion that came along with what I thought was my dream. 

His Dreams

I've been listening to the Casting Crowns CD Thrive ~ pretty much non-stop for the last few weeks. The song that has grabbed my attention is "Dream for You".  I stopped and actually listened to the lyrics....what was that?  You want to dream for me?  I sat there and pondered those words...He...the creator of the universe wants to dream for ME... and YOU!  The dreams we have set for ourselves pale in comparison to what He has dreamed and planned for us....  Doesn't it just take your breath away for a moment....He wants more for us....our dreams don't measure up to what He has planned for us.  Wrap your mind around that.....He LOVES us THAT much!!  So, do yourself a favor and ask God to reveal what He is dreaming for your life....

I thought I'd share those lyrics for you to read....Let HIM dream for you!!

Hey, David, I hear you've been dreaming
About being a big time shepherd some day
You're gonna prove your brothers wrong
You're gonna sing your shepherd song
To the cattle on a thousand hills
But I've been thinking

I'm having trouble with a giant down the road
You're the one who's going to face him toe to toe
Wipe that grin right off his face
And whip this army into shape
I'm going to turn the nation back to Me
And David, you're right about one thing
Your little shepherd songs are going to make the whole world sing
And I'm gonna make you king

So come on, let Me dream, let Me dream for you
I am strong when you're weak and I'll carry you
So let go of your plan, be caught by My hand
I'll show you what I can do
When I dream for you
I have a dream for you

Hey Mary, I've heard you've been dreaming
Making plans for your big wedding day
You and Joseph are gonna be
The picture perfect family
Maybe a couple of kids down the road
But I've been thinking

Even before time began
I had a picture perfect plan
Of how to save this broken world
Through the life of just one man
I'm gonna send my only Son
And Mary, you're the one
You were right about one thing
You're gonna have that family
And you're gonna raise a King

I'm stronger than you think I am
I'll take you farther than you think you can
You sing and call me Great I Am
So take your stand
My child, if you only knew
All the plans that I have for you
Just trust me, I will follow through
You can follow Me

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plan to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

44 ~ Overcoming Fear by the Grace of God

44 - A number that always had a cloud hanging over it when I was child.  44 - A number I started to fear after 1994.  44 - A number that no longer has a stronghold on me.  44 - A number that I will embrace this year.  44 - A number I will surpass....

Not much was discussed about my Grandma June...at least not by my father. I knew that my grandmother had been murdered, I knew that she was a woman before her time, I knew my father didn't want to discuss what happened to her and I knew I wanted more of the story.  That more didn't come until I started visiting my dad's sister in North Carolina every summer when I was 12 or 13.  My aunt talked about her mother very fondly and piece by piece I was putting connections together of my heritage that hadn't been shared with me before.  She like to dance, she was a remarkable seamstress, she wore jeans & sweatshirts in an era that only dresses were worn by women, she divorced my grandfather, she packed up all of her belongings into a van and headed out west...she lived with my aunt and uncle in the state of Washington.....the state of Washington is where my grandmother died....she was only 44.

Growing up, I always wondered how my father dealt with losing his mother when he was only 22.  I wondered what that must have been like for him...my heart hurt for him then and it still does now.  I felt like he had been robbed, like she had been robbed and in that I had been robbed too.  

Fast forward to May 1994.  I was 23, recently had moved to Chicago with my boyfriend/fiancée.  This was a huge leap for me...my first time away from my hometown...no friends or family nearby...a whole new world.  That world crashed fast and hard.  Within the first month of relocating my grandfather passed away...within two months of that my fiancées grandfather passed away.....the night of his grandfather's funeral I received a call from my dad...my mother was in ICU and they weren't sure if she would make it through the night....I remember sobbing as we drove to the hospital, we were in Michigan but still 2+ hours away from where we needed to be.  I started praying...asking God to let me know what was going to happen because I couldn't bear the fear that I was facing...in that moment there was a sense of peace that washed over me... I could feel God's presence there with me..calming my heart and instantly my tears stopped falling.  I just knew she was going to make it through this...she had before...she was a fighter...God had this...

Thanksgiving weekend.... home for the holiday and a court trial for a car accident I had been in a few years prior.  Sunday night..visiting with friends...my dad wanted me home early...he thought I needed to be there for mom...I remember coming in and checking on her..she was sleeping....I noticed her lidded mug had slipped off the bedside tray, so I put it back....she didn't wake up when I was in her room...so unlike her....I remember feeling that something wasn't quite right but I figured I was just being paranoid...so I went to bed.  The next thing I hear is my father repeating my mom's name, over and over....what happened after that I can't remember....but I do remember seeing the ambulance in the driveway...I remember seeing the stretcher....the rest is nonexistent to me...

Here we were again, ICU...the prognosis is not looking well...they are very unsure if she's going to make it...but we've been down this road 3 times before and she's beat it every time before....so she'll win again....right?  I remember not wanting to be there....I remember the lights glowing over her hospital bed casting an eerie shadow in her room. I remember her being unresponsive for days....I remember her waking up...talking to me plain as day...then her slipping back to sleep..I remember stopping in the hospital chapel to pray that night....I wanted an answer...no I NEEDED an answer from God.  Was she going to make it through?  If yes, then okay...fine....but if no...then please don't make her suffer anymore...she's endured so much, for so long....it's just not fair to her....it wasn't fair to any of us.  The chapel door was closed and I was the only one in there and I was at the pulpit on my knees crying out to God....then out of no where a cold breeze blew around me...the windows were closed...the furnace wasn't running...but chills started taking over my body....I knew it...in that very moment God had spoken to me.....she wasn't going to make it.  My friend was waiting for me in the car and I was sobbing uncontrollably as I told her what had happened....it seemed surreal. 

The next morning, my father woke me up saying he had called the hospital and she was doing much better...so I thought to myself....hmmm.....I guess I read that sign all wrong.....so I cocooned back into my bed for a few more hours of sleep....I recall the phone ringing...my dad came to tell me we had to get to the hospital NOW....that we didn't have much time...I remember riding in my father's grey Cougar....it was dreary out, cold, and a mixture of snow/rain was falling....I remember going under the overpass before coming up to Laketon Avenue...I remember feeling numb...

I walked into her room....my extended family was there....lined up against the wall like someone had pinned them there...I thought to myself...what the hell?  Why aren't you by her....holding her hand...comforting her...ANYTHING except for staring at her!  I remember going to her beside...gently caressing her hair and holding her hand....I spoke softly to her....I said.. "it's okay mom, you can let go now...you can go home.   You've suffered long enough...go be with God...where you belong.  Don't worry about me or dad...we'll be okay...I promise."  I remember seeing her heart rate slowly going down point by point...until the nurse turned off the monitor so we wouldn't see it any longer....within 30 seconds of telling my mother those words...she passed away...she was 44.

Here was that number again....44.  Thoughts would enter my mind such as...dad lost his mom at 44, his wife at 44....you better watch out when you turn 44.  That number has haunted me for over 20 years...always in the back of mind...always reminding me of my looming destiny....

So here it is....2015....the year in which I turn 44.  I've made a decision....I've partnered with God and He is ALWAYS faithful...44 will NOT be the end for me...it will be an awakening!  44 is going to be a NEW BEGINNING.... all things new, breaking ties that bind, a season of rejoicing, thankfulness, joy, peace, and unlimited blessings!  It will be a time of anticipation for the greatness and goodness of God to fully envelop every facet of my life.

Touched by A Strangers Heart

I've never read something that has resonated with my heart & soul as much as I have in the past few days. So many of the experiences are almost mirrored...as if this person had a window into my world, into my soul and wrote about what they saw and experienced. The only difference is the name of the people in the story are changed. From the fears, desires, failures, hopes, dreams ...they are all somehow connected...like I was meant to read those words...straight from the heart...from the depths of a soul who not only knows pieces of my life that no others know but has lived these moments in conjunction with me. Strangers...but somehow I feel connected....through the moments this person was willing to share...the moments they bared their soul.... not only to heal oneself but to help bring healing to others in the process. It's moments like these where you see God weaving his beautiful masterpiece. To bring beauty from the ashes. To restore the broken places we hide deep within us that we refuse to let others see. Maybe this is my call...to open my heart...not only for my healing but to help others reach out for healing through our Creator...to aide in advancing His Kingdom.